Guardian

The Guardian is an American librarian and wrestler/manager/stalker managed by GM Luke Leftwich. He has an obsession with the super morbidly obese female wrestler Jabberjaw and often interferes in her matches in the WNWA. Supposedly he is married to Jabberjaw.

History
The Guardian came to the WNWA via Jabberjaw, whom he was stalking at the time, though apparently the two are now legally married, having kept their courtship a secret from their co-workers.

Trivia

 * Entrance song is "Star Trek Theme" for individual matches.
 * Works as a reference and interlibrary loan librarian at Braddock County Public Library. He thinks that being ILL librarian actually means something, even though most libraries have library school students or paraprofessionals performing such menial tasks.


 * Sometimes wrestles as a tag-team partner to Jabberjaw. Entrance song for those matches is "I'm a Stand-By-My-Woman Man."


 * The Guardian wears cardigan sweaters in which he hides various shivs/shanks/knives/staplers which he uses to assault Jabberjaw's oppenents or anyone who talks trash about her. He sometimes appears to have Down Syndrome.


 * The Guardian wears very large, plastic framed glasses that appear to have been purchased in the early 1980s.


 * Lives in a shack in the rough section of town with Jabberjaw. She does this so she can claim to come from the "mean streets" and have "street cred." When interviewed, none of her neighbors report ever seeing her after she moved in.  They say she spends all her time peeking out from behind the curtains in her house.  The Guardian spends a lot of time coming out of the house to investigate various noises that have alarmed Jabberjaw.


 * The couple's shack was recently demolished by The Liberal Librarian, who crashed through the walls in his Prius during a foiled political demonstration. The Lib and Jabberjaw are currently embroiled in a feud over whose insurance should pay for the damage.  He wants her to fix his car, and she wants him to build her a new house.  The Guardian has threatened to beat the Lib if he doesn't build Jabberjaw a new house.


 * The Guardian is a conservative, who hates The Liberal Librarian both for being liberal and for destroying Jabberjaw's house/shack/showplace. To get his passive-agressive revenge, he steals bookends from the book sections that The Liberal Librarian maintains at Braddock County Public Library and files them down into the various shiv/shank weapons he carries in his cardigan.  This is also the source of his staplers and other weapons, and explains why most of his attacks are made with office supplies.


 * His heroes are Dwight K. Schrute, Pope Benedict, Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant, Capt. James T. Kirk, Spock, Ronald Reagan, and Jabberjaw. He also appears to admire Leftwich, but this may just be because Jabberjaw esteems Leftwich so.  The Guardian bases all his opinions on what will be most pleasing to Jabberjaw.


 * Has an unnatural fear of the telephone and will always let it ring twice before answering it. If at all possible he defers to his library co-workers to answer the phone rather than doing it himself. In fact, he and Jabberjaw do not have any phones in their house.  They must walk down the road to a nearby liquor store to use the pay phone in the parking lot whenever Jabberjaw needs to call in sick to work or wrestling matches. Jabberjaw however owns a cell phone but keeps it at work where it rings all the time with wrong numbers or from contractors she has called to work on her shanty. Due to her forgetfulness from constant mini-strokes throughout the day, and also to The Guardian's fear of phones, she often leaves the cell phone at work where her employess make prank calls on it whenever she is not there.  It is rumored that The Guardian cannot perform sexually if there is a phone in the house, so Jabberjaw only "gets lucky" whenever she leaves her cell phone at work.


 * The Guardian sometimes wrestles in place of Jabberjaw when she has scheduled a match and gets sick and cannot wrestle. It is rumored that Jabberjaw calls in sick whenever she is pitted against a particularly large, fierce, or African-American opponent.


 * Along with cardigans and short sleeve dress shirts, he is a fan of flat front trousers.


 * Has problems pronouncing words that end in the letter r, making an o sound for r's. This makes his voice sound similar to Forrest Gump's. For example, computer sounds like computoe.


 * Is a huge Star Trek fan. Reportedly took Jabberjaw to a convention on their honeymoon.


 * It is rumored that Letravis Gorman is his illegitimate son, but this has not yet been proven. Jabberjaw is unaware of this rumor, and has never noticed any similarities between the two.


 * As Jabberjaw has gained enormous weight in recent years, the couple has found sexual relations to be nearly impossible. One way they get around actual physical sex is to undress and read Harry Potter books aloud to one another. This seems to fulfill Jabberjaw's sexual desire, at least. Jabberjaw regales her employees with these lurid tales every Monday.

Catchphrase

 * "Unhand that woman!"


 * "You lay a fingo (finger) on that woman and you'o (you're) a dead man!"


 * "I worship at youo (your) alto (altar), My Queen" (said to Jabberjaw after she wins a match)


 * "Don't make me go Kirk on youo ass!"

Salary
Unknown. He is not officially employed by the WNWA, as his offical status is that of a stalker/hanger-on. It is reported that all his checks from Leftwich are made out in Jabberjaw's name.

Moveset

 * The 3-hole punch
 * Stapling items to his opponent's head
 * "Going Kirk on Youo Ass" - This is a series of punches and stances based on the television fighting of Capt. James T. Kirk.
 * Is very swift with use of a variety of weapons which he smuggles into the ring.
 * Bowing on bended knee before Jabberjaw to kiss her hand and pledge his undying love
 * Passive-agressive heart punch

Weaknesses

 * Easily distracted by anything going on around Jabberjaw. He needs to keep a closer watch on his opponent instead of always running over to the ring ropes to check on Jabberjaw's health.


 * Some would suggest his taste in women is a serious weakness.


 * Tends to be passive-agressive at times when he should be outright aggressive.


 * Is blind as a bat without his glasses. Once an opponent rips them off his head, he's done.